Compliance Should Never Be The Goal

We live in a world where compliance and obedience are often goals when supporting autistic people. Chris Bonnello, autistic author, teacher and speaker asks the question, ““How come we encourage non-autistic people to think independently, question authority and stand up for themselves, while autistic people are taught that obedience and compliance are things to be encouraged and rewarded?”

James Link, autistic advocate, says there is a double standard. He states:

We see it all the time: non-autistic people are praised for their assertiveness. They’re encouraged to challenge ideas, question authority, and find their voice. It’s considered strength — leadership potential.

But when an autistic person does the same? It’s often seen as defiance. We’re labeled as “rigid,” “noncompliant,” or “difficult.”
 
Instead of being supported in developing self-trust and independence, we’re shaped into versions of ourselves that are easier for others to manage. It becomes less about what we need, and more about how well we can fit into what’s expected.

That’s not support — that’s control with a polite name.

There is a real danger in expecting and insisting on compliance. While it teaches short-term obedience, it doesn’t build long-term skills like body trust, self-regulation, collaboration, or feeling safe. It also doesn’t support autonomy. Autonomy refers to the ability to make decisions independently and act on them without undue external influence. Autistic individuals are keenly aware of their own needs, strengths and preferences. They tend to make choices that reflect their individual values and interests, prioritizing being true to themselves over conformity to societal expectations and norms.

Having autonomy is an important part of growth and development. Fostering and encouraging autonomy can significantly contribute to personal development, self-confidence, self-determination, and overall quality of life.

When autistic people are young, they often learn what they need to do to help themselves self-regulate and feel comfortable. Because behavior is viewed through a judgmental lens, we often interpret these behaviors such as hand flapping, pacing or rocking as atypical, disruptive, challenging, or problematic instead of movement differences or regulation.

We hang on to our belief in compliance because of fear – fear that there will be a loss of control without it, chaos, and what will possibly happen without it.

Kelly Mahler’s 5 Myths of Compliance

My friend and colleague, OT Kelly Mahler, is spot on with her statements on the 5 myths of compliance.

1. Less compliance creates chaos. In truth, it creates collaboration. We begin to do things together like problem solving and finding solutions. My autistic daughter found out at a doctor’s appointment that she had low blood pressure. Rather than me telling her what she needed to do, she did her own research and decided that adding fruit to her diet would help her achieve better health. I gave her different fruits to try, but she made the choice of which ones were the best for her, focusing on her sensory preferences like no tiny seeds or sour, strong tastes like pineapple.
2. Less compliance means children will end up running the show. In reality, children learn what they need in order to succeed. Children end up noticing their body signals and identify the supports that they need. For example, both of my children needed a 90 minute break once they came home from school to regulate themselves and regain a sense of calm. I followed their lead and did not impose a schedule on them. Some children may need a task broken down into smaller steps. Others may need a short break before beginning the next task.
3. Less compliance makes for a spoiled and weak child who isn’t resilient. The opposite is true – less compliance strengthens advocacy and resilience. When children trust their own body signals and feelings, they tend to communicate what they need, persist through challenges, and learn strategies to get through hard things.
4. Without compliance, there is no accountability. In reality, less compliance creates accountability through collaboration. If accountability is based on interoception, children will meet expectations because they feel safe and supported, work gets completed with dignity and not through fear, and long-term goals grow along short-term success. With support, my 29 year old son as been able to develop his routines at home that make him feel good such as reading aloud, listening to classical music, yoga practice, and meditating.
5. Less compliance only benefits children. Actually, it benefits everyone! We get out of power struggles and move towards respect. We build trusting relationships. This is something we talk about all the time in the Low Arousal Approach.

We want to move away from token economies which are about using different systems to reward good behavior, and move towards an interoception-based approach. James Link says, “Instead of rewarding compliance, we should be encouraging clarity, self-awareness, and communication — even when it challenges us.” This doesn’t mean that there isn’t structure, but rather collaboration instead of control. We want to help autistic people identify their needs and what they need to do to meet those needs. Support should never be about how easy it is to manage someone, but rather how safe a person feels being themselves.

True support meets a person where they are and creates a place for self-expression and discovery. The goal is not to be obedient, but for that person to become more in tune with who they are and what is meaningful to them. Happiness and well being are the goals which will foster autonomy and understanding one’s own body signals.

References

Link, J. (April 8, 2025). Supporting Autistic People: Obedience Isn’t the Goal. Link Autism Leadership

Mahler, K. (September 30, 2025). 5 Myths About “Less Compliance” (and What It Really Looks Like With Interoception). Kelly Mahler